Out of Control

I am never fully sure of myself; in all things, I can easily imagine the way things can go wrong. I know I am not infallible; I have experienced many setbacks and I am fearful that I will fail once more. Deep down I know that every choice has outcomes I couldn’t possibly predict. Why then do I repeat the cycle of worry, how can I convince myself that the other choice is a possible outcome? I bang my head against this wall all too often, a tendency towards impatience and anxiety. Desperation is a bad place to be, but I have not yet learned how to sit in my queue and wait my turn. Not without hearing that infernal clock ticking loudly in my mind only serving to heighten my despondency.

Forgotten, that is what I feel if I do not shout or tap my foot. I refuse to be forgotten or be stuck again in a place I do not want to find myself. I hate to feel out of control and the need to rely on others creates a level of turbulence that makes me spiral, and that is all I’ve been doing. Obsessing over the future and stressing things that I cannot change. Does the waiting get easier? How do I cope? How do I get over the trauma of my past that creates this cloying need to oversee my time?